I am healthy.
Losing weight has been a goal of mine for about 10 years. TEN. YEARS. That's right, I wanted to lose weight when I was 14 year old girl. Each time I've looked in the mirror for the past 10 or so years I've thought "If only I was (insert weight or a pants size)". The funny thing is looking back, I would love to have the body I did at 14, 18 or even 20. Yet, I was never happy in any version of my body. It's sad really - to be unhappy with what you've got only to have time pass and wish you had now what you didn't want then.
The point is - I have always wanted to lose weight. No matter how active or happy I was on a daily basis - I have never been happy with the person staring back at me in the mirror. Before I start getting an influx of the "Oh but you're just fine the way you are"s and "You don't need to lose any weight"s...I'm not saying I NEED to lose weight (but within recent months I could) I'm saying I've always wanted it. I thought those extra 10 pounds (or lack thereof) would kickstart my very own theme song and my life would magically turn in to something worthy of a Rom-Com adaption with Sandra Bullock playing me in the lead.
With that background in mind, 3 weeks ago I started a work out program. If you haven't talked to me in the past two months (because if you have I'm SURE you've heard far more than you care to know about it) - the program is a kickboxing/resistance band 10 week intensive. I now go to the gym 6 days a week. I now log all of my food intake for those 6 days (thank goodness for that one day off a week). I now eat 6 meals a day. I now actually feel healthy. Heck, I AM healthy.
And, without even really being aware of it, my goals have changed. I find I'm OK with what the scale tells me, who the person is staring back in the mirror, or what size jeans I'm fitting in to these days. I like myself. I'm proud of myself. I now concentrate on performance in workouts as opposed to a number on a scale. My goals are things like "kick higher" and "lift more" as opposed to the vague "lose weight" I carried around for so many years. I feel in control of my body now - instead of crossing my fingers while stepping on the scale hoping this piece of metal tells me what I want to hear.
I say all of this not to boast - but to encourage others and myself. The darkness that was a complete loathing of my body has lifted and I find myself surrounded with self-empowering hope. I don't want this post to be a huge "Look at me!" but rather a "if I can do this and be happy I truly believe there's hope for anyone."
Because really, at the end of the day it doesn't matter if I'm a size 2 or 20 - I'm happy with my body. Today. And if tomorrow I'm not happy? Me and the punching bag have a date to fix that.
I am healthy. I am happy with my body. I am actually looking forward to swimsuit season this year.
Photo: Me and my new BFF - Mr. Bag. And please don't judge my form in this picture - this was at "bring a friend week" before I started the program. I promise I keep that right glove to my face at all times now.