I am fickle.

Here's is a typical Friday night conversation in the Armstrong house:

Levi: So babe (he calls me this always - I think he forgets my name), what do you want to do tonight?
Leah: Oh, I don't know - what do you want to do? (I am fighting the urge to quote Pinky and the Brain or the Jungle Book at this point)
Levi: I know! Let's [fill in the blank with some fun activity].
Leah: Eh..I don't know. What about [some not so cool but still fun activity].
Levi: Sounds great babe (it's LEAH!) let's go!
Leah: Well...I don't know - maybe we should [third, not so cool or fun option].
Levi: It's whatever you want to do - you pick.

And you know what ends up happening almost every time? I either can't make up my mind and we end up sitting at home waiting for me to make a decision - or we end up doing something we've done times before, but for some reason I enjoy anyways.

I am a fickle person. I have a terrible time making up my mind and then sticking with my decision. Ironically, I'm almost the complete opposite once I've made up my mind - I'll hold on to a belief, plan or idea against all logic and reason once the decision has been made...it's the getting there that causes me some trouble.

I eat the same foods because I don't want to go through the trouble of convincing myself something else on the menu may be a good dish. I wait until the last minute to buy plane tickets or make travel arrangements because I have a fear of last minute changes without the freedom to adapt. I can't seem to commit to the details of life - I know where I'm going in the long run I just can't figure out how I want to get there.

I am scared I'm going to miss something. Life is so full of goodness and excitement - I find myself overwhelmed by my helplessness in experiencing it all. The decisions I make today are in some way inhibiting me from experiences I could be having tomorrow. Who am I to know what is worth the sacrifice and what is not?

Instead of making decisions boldly and unapologetically - I am stuck. My desire to experience everything in life is mutilated in to a debilitating fear that hinders me from experiencing anything. Once again my best intentions and desires, when left unchecked, are my greatest faults.

I am fickle. I am scared of missing out on life. I am letting Levi make the plans this weekend.